Before the Victory, You Can Still Win

I failed the July Bar exam. It’s taken me this long to say that out loud because I felt so much shame. I felt like a loser. I felt that law was not meant for me. I felt like the three years of law school had been a waste. I felt horror at having to study and take it again. I felt like the naysayers had been right. I thought God was mad at me and punishing me for unknown past sins. I felt horrible about myself.

If you’re not familiar with the law career path, essentially you have to take a test to get into law school. Study and pass through three years of law school exams. Take another test to show that you’re ethical. Graduate and then less than three weeks after that study for the biggest exam of them all—the bar exam. Once you take it in the summer, you have to wait until the fall to know what your fate will be. And let me tell you—it’s excruciating. All this time, you’re told that this will define your career and how you’re perceived by your peers, your boss, and I guess everyone on LinkedIn. 🤷🏽‍♀️. It’s actually frightening.

So on that cold October day, when I read that I had failed, I felt like I had failed as a human being. That I had one chance to make my mark and I had wasted it by being too dumb to pass. I thought I had let down women, Black women, and the ancestors (a bit dramatic but stick with me). It was the worst feeling of my life. Also add in, seeing everyone else pass (at least I thought). Yeah, it was a dark time. I’ve never heard screams and cries come out of me like that before.

I couldn’t cry and scream too much because a few weeks later I had to begin studying again to take the February exam, which weirdly seemed harder because my confidence was below the grave and now I had more bills to pay. Suddenly, much more was on the line this time.

But, over that time, something happened. Something had changed within me (for the Wicked fans). Through the grueling re-take process, I found a lot of love and grace from people around me and from that, I was able to extend love and grace to myself. My girlfriend made me meals every night while I studied. A trusted law professor met with me weekly to check on my progress and test me on bar questions. My in-laws prayed with me and over me. My friends reminded me that I was still me, which was enough. My aunt sent me care packages and check-in texts. And countless, amazing attorneys told me about their multiple attempts at the exam not impeding their talent or practice.

I saw firsthand that I was so damn loved. And though I’m posting this before I find out the results of my second attempt, I have to say that there is joy and grace before the victory. In the beginning, I couldn’t comprehend how I could start this process over again, but God provided me with exactly what I needed. He didn’t leave me. I feel empowered to post this because I don’t know if I’ll be licensed in the next few days, but I know that God has always provided me with the exact amount of strength. He knows what you are capable of—more than you probably ever will.

Would it have been nice to pass the first time? Yes! Do I hope I pass this time? ABSOLUTELY! Have I already achieved so much? UNDOUBTEDLY. I don’t have to wait for the “victory” to know that I’ve won. I’ve won, yall!

If you’re currently in a period of transition or waiting for your “win”, know that you’ve already won. Not because someone on Earth deemed you worthy, but because God has His arms around you. Call it out now—you’ve won!!! Faith over fear.

Thank you God for victories big and small. Thank you for taking me in your arms. Thank you giving me peace that surpasses all understanding. Thank you for showing me that I am so much stronger than I ever knew. Thank you for helping me see that my worth is not dependent on others. Amen.