fearless chronicles

I failed the July Bar exam. It’s taken me this long to say that out loud because I felt so much shame. I felt like a loser. I felt that law was not meant for me. I felt like the three years of law school had been a waste. I felt horror at having to study and take it again. I felt like the naysayers had been right. I thought God was mad at me and punishing me for unknown past sins. I felt horrible about myself. </p>

I turned 25 years old this month, and it has been a journey getting here. Scientifically, your brain is supposed to be fully developed at 25, so I guess there is no longer an excuse for being a knucklehead anymore. But the truth is, I still feel 12 years old—unsure of myself, worried about making friends, and fighting off acne on my forehead. All of those challenges remain, except now I have a light bill to pay too.

The other day I was hanging with a friend and their partner. We were discussing Tiktok and the type of content that pops up on our respective feeds. My friend’s partner commented that they wished they could see the type of content we see and sort of threw up their hands as if Tiktok had condemned them to the unfunny side of the app.

As a self-proclaimed fearless woman, I thought for 2023, I could talk about the tools that have helped me become a better, more self-aware person. I should preface that I am not a perfect person and I do not strive to be. To me, becoming “THAT GIRL” as Tiktok likes to call any self-assured woman, is about finding peace in solitude, practicing mental and physical wellness, and building healthy relationships with others.

So, the other day I had a major breakthrough in therapy. I discovered that for most of my life, I have felt the intense need to prove myself to everyone around me. The more distant and disapproving someone was, the more I felt the need to win them over. So much so that I felt annoyed with people who loved me for me, no strings attached.

Just a few days ago, I finished my first year of law school. It took 15 hours of testing and many research and writing assignments to close the door on the first chapter of my legal career. I was and still am pretty wiped out. No one tells you how strange you will feel after finally achieving something you never thought would end, but yeah— it’s really weird. After your adrenaline has been pumping for two weeks straight, you feel a crash.

Hey, besties! Long time no post. Truth time: I have not been as consistent with posting as I planned before beginning this law school journey. Maybe you can relate? Was there something you planned to do this year and totally dropped the ball? Luckily for me and you, we can always make a fresh start, and not just because a new year is approaching. You can choose any day as your new year.

Woah girlies it’s been more than a minute since we last spoke. I can’t believe it’s already October aka Spooky Season! Law school has a way of making time seem slow when you want to speed up and fast when you want to slow down. And the only reason I’m able to write this post is that I’m on fall break, and I knew I had to squeeze some time in to update you all on life as it is now.

I’ve watched Olympic gymnastics for as long as I can remember. I was named after Olympic gold medalist, Dominique Dawes. I bought books and watched documentaries about Gabby Douglas leading up to and after the 2012 Summer Olympics, hoping to understand more about the petite, but powerful young woman. And slightly related, I was obsessed with the ABC Family show, Make It or Break It, a tv drama about young gymnasts trying to accomplish their Olympic dreams.

Just a couple of scrolls through Instagram, Tiktok, or really any social media platform, you will run into a message about taking charge of your life and “being the main character”. This “main character” message has become so prevalent that just the other day, I saw back-to-back videos encouraging me to “stop being a side character in my own life”. At its core, there is a wholesome message of self love, but it's important not to warp the message into self-centeredness.

I swear I’m not trying to flex when I say this, but my heart is a little too big. By that I mean, it’s too open and available. All it takes is one positive interaction for me to care about someone and to invest in their feelings towards me. The problem with keeping a “For Rent” sign on your heart is that you remain in a constant state of instability and unease.

With graduation less than two weeks away, I’m feeling strange. Though I think about it often, the gravity of these remaining days being my last days of college FOREVER still hasn’t hit me. My brain is having a hard time processing this fact. This is made weirder by the fact that I haven’t stepped foot on my physical campus in over a year, so it feels like I’m preparing to say goodbye to an estranged friend. At the same time, the transition away feels strangely natural.

A couple of days ago, I decided to end contact with someone I was getting to know and was starting to care about. I made future plans with this person and discussed what a deep connection with them would look like. I got invested in knowing them and understanding them. I looked forward to speaking to them every day and hoped their contact would become a normal part of my daily routine.</p>

My faith took a big hit the latter part of last year. The summer was full of protests, destruction, and pain. Black people were being killed for existing and half the country couldn’t wrap their heads around why that would be something painful. I was particularly disappointed to see people who claimed to be Christian be loud and proud racists. I was disgusted by their behavior and by any religious institution that would promote hatred in the name of the Jesus I thought I knew

You can ask anyone who knows me, I’ve been a romantic my whole life. My favorite books and movies all center around romance. Growing up, I believed in this “Cinderella” storyline—that my life would “start” when I met my prince charming. I believed that my life would be marked by the moment we met. And when something like this moment didn’t come at what I deemed an acceptable age, I was pretty lost.

So y’all know the song “Formation” by Beyonce. It’s a song of female empowerment and not letting the haters get you down. I’ve listened to this song many times since it was first released because I’ve had times when the voices of naysayers seemed to echo in my head for days on end. And as Beyonce said, the best way to get back at those people is to be unbothered and successful.

Quarantine has given me the opportunity to try so many new hobbies—gardening being one of them. Taking care of plants seemed like a calming pastime, but it became much more. Through it, I’ve learned so much about myself and my faith journey. Let me explain.

I am a big believer in the saying, “Write what you need to read”. I have carried this mantra into every aspect of my blog. Every post is something that I’ve needed to hear at one point or another. Today is no different. I don’t know about y’all, but I am an intense planner and this has sometimes clashed with my faith. A huge part of Christianity is believing that God has your best interest at heart in good times and bad.

Alright disclaimer: I’m not a huge fan of new years’ resolutions. I think they’re kind of a scam and set you up to fail. I believe in goal setting throughout the year and not during just one particular month. With that being said, this post was requested on my Instagram story and I want to share with y’all some things I have been working on/ am still working on throughout the year and years to come.

<p class="" style="white-space:pre-wrap;">It’s my fifth day abroad and I’ve already had a few ups and downs. I most definitely don’t regret my decision and am still in shock that I am here. I hope that all of you decide to go abroad at some point, as I believe it can be an extraordinary experience. I plan to share many of my experiences while abroad with you all, but there are a few things you should know before you touch down in your new home. Here are six tips that will mak