Who Abandons You When You Stop Abandoning Yourself?

There is so much out there right now addressing "people pleasing". People pleasing is a buzzword for self-abandonment behavior. A people pleaser values the opinions, desires, thoughts, and wishes of others above their own opinions, desires, thoughts, and wishes. Where does this come from? Well that's for you to unpack with your therapist, but commonly it stems from learned anxiety. At one point in their life, a people pleaser was taught that it was safer to make everyone else happy than to think deeply about what makes them happy. They were taught essentially it was better to be less. Less vocal, less obstinate, less confident.

It's taken years of therapy, journaling, reading, and deep conversations to fully unpack and turn the tide of my own people pleasing. I won't lie--it's hard y'all. Part of what makes it so hard is that when you stop people pleasing, your biggest fear immediately comes true. People stop liking you. People get annoyed with your quirks. People feel inconvenienced by your opposing views. There is no avoiding it. People will be displeased with you.

Part of the healing work is learning that the people around you are human like you. Their opinions hold no more weight than yours. The only difference is that you know yourself better than anyone in the world. So ultimately, how you feel about yourself NEEDS to be the controlling authority. I put "needs" in all caps because doing this unlearning shows you that without a trust of your internal voice, you will be so confused, unhappy, and lost. You'll be like a piece of paper blowing in all directions with nothing solid to anchor to. It's kind of like a little death of self.

So, you learn over time how to stop caring so much. You start questioning why someone who you don't even like or want to be like has any say or influence on how you live your life. You start to wonder why you protect people more than you protect yourself. And you can find so much literature on this so I won't bore you.

So what do you want to say, Dom? I guess I want to talk about the loss of voices you do value when you stop people pleasing. As a reformed people pleaser (for the most part), I've stopped caring about what coworkers, neighbors, and strangers think of me. What do they know about me more than me? Nothing. But what happens when the people who you think do know you seem to hate the progress you're making? Suddenly, they seem inconvenienced by your feelings and urge you to climb back into your anxiety abyss. 

Maybe you do a little. I know I can admit, I have before. I've paused personal progress because I was convinced that the people in my inner circle could never want me to stay small, but friends, it is sadly more common than you think. Sometimes you realize that your friends were the biggest supporters of this toxic behavior. Recently, I connected with an old friend. I haven't seen her in person in over a year or two, but she is a person I would say really knows me. Not necessarily a day one friend but definitely a day five friend.

She was confiding in me about a situation/miscommunication with another mutual friend. She seemed unsure if she was allowed to feel hurt about the situation. Am I overreacting? Is it weird that I feel disrespected, she asked. I leapt to destroy that narrative armed with the lessons I've learned in many therapy sessions. No, I exclaimed. It makes sense that you feel that way. 

You're valid. 

I think we all long deep down to feel validated. To be reminded that our perception is real even if it isn't the most accurate/factual version of events. I suppose it's because deep down we all want to feel like we matter. Friends have a unique gift of making us feel like we matter. Maybe they listen to us beat a dead horse every time we call without complaint. Maybe they tell you that they also felt a weird vibe from that lady at the store. Maybe they send you the screenshots that prove you were right about that shared enemy all along. And there's no judgment here. I think we all need this in some shape or form. We all deserve people in our lives who tell and show us that we matter. 

So, in this conversation, I felt passionately that I needed to let her know that she mattered. I heard her and I saw her. I wanted her to walk away from the conversation feeling I was safe for her. Though I didn't believe I would have felt the same way as her if I was in the situation, I never mentioned this fact. And though she didn't say with great fanfare "girl, you made me feel so safe"--in fact, she didn't say much--I felt proud of my friendship skills. Yes, Dom. You were there for her!

A few weeks later, I was facing a "am I valid for feeling this way?" moment. One that was the result of targeted behavior, not a mere misunderstanding. I reached out to this friend because I assumed that the safe space I'd built was always open. Without asking for much information, she shut me down and said "I think you're thinking too deep about it. I don't see your perspective. Just move on because I don't really want to deal with the negativity and I want to have a good time."

Oh. 

Similar to her but for a different reason, I didn't really respond. I felt a small gnawing at my heart. I still feel the gnawing now. 

So, using my therapy tools, I thought to myself, why is this affecting me so much? What am I actually feeling? I realized I felt betrayed. I felt betrayed because I realized the safe space was only for her use. I was not granted the same access. For a brief second there, I felt my old anxiety creep in and tell me to not rock the boat with this friend. Push down the feelings. Abandon yourself to keep the peace.

I handled the hurtful targeted situation in a way that feels true to me and my values, but I never reached back out to my friend with any update or further thoughts. At the moment, I don't plan to. It doesn't feel safe anymore. I think this situation reminded me of other situations that have arisen in the past couple of years--all people wanting or missing the self-abandoning, subservient, and submissive version of me.

It is disorienting to realize that people you love dearly, prefer a version of you that doesn't inconvenience them. Doesn't require them to defend you. Doesn't require them to change some longheld views. Maybe they don't want to think too deeply about your hurt because it would require them to see someone else in a more complex, not so black-and-white way. Maybe it would cause someone to not like them. Whatever it may be, it hurts to realize that you don't matter to them as much as they matter to you. This isn't to say that they are bad people or even that they don't love you. They just genuinely prefer an uncomplicated, less real version of you. That's painful, especially when you've accepted them, flaws and all, wiped their tears, and made it a point to let them know that they matter to you.

I don't think people talk about it enough honestly. It straight up sucks when someone asks you to continue a ruse that you've worked so hard to destroy. And today, I don't have any answers, just thoughts and feelings. I think that perhaps we outgrow some of our loved ones. We can't go back to the version of ourselves that they love so much because that's the version that was killing us. The real us. And maybe that's the empowering ending to all this--just an awareness or a conviction that you can't go back and that there is no one who you will abandon yourself for anymore. Not everybody makes it to the final destination. Some people get off early.

Maybe the solution is to change their access to you. Maybe it's acknowledging that if they want a more shallow, basic version of you, you just won't share much with them or expect them to be that safe space. And maybe it's deciding you won't be that safe space back.

They don't have to be dead to you, maybe they just don't get to experience all of your messy, complicated, and beautiful life. Save that for people who not only know the real you, but cherish the real you. The you that makes mistakes, gets their feelings hurt, laughs obnoxiously, or says the dumb thing. You deserve that.

I hope this has reached the right person and that it resonates with someone somewhere. And if nobody in your life is telling you this right now--YOU MATTER. Your feelings are not facts, but they are valid. Your feelings are temporary passengers on a fast moving train going nowhere, but they exist, and you're allowed to take them to a safe place and feel them.

Don't abandon yourself for anyone. Even for the people who you thought really knew you.