If You Have to Beg, It's Not For You

So, the other day I had a major breakthrough in therapy. I discovered that for most of my life, I have felt the intense need to prove myself to everyone around me. The more distant and disapproving someone was, the more I felt the need to win them over. So much so that I felt annoyed with people who loved me for me, no strings attached. I felt a severe attachment to people who showed me no love or respect, and I maintained my pursuit of their approval, believing I could change their minds about me. I found myself begging “friends” to hang out or for potential romances to show me an ounce of attention. And I clung to whatever breadcrumb they threw my way. (Looking back, I’m a little embarrassed, but you live and learn.) It wasn’t until a few days ago that I realized how wrong that mentality was.

The truth is, we were not put on this Earth to win people over. And to put it plainly, the people who are meant to be in your life will be. You won’t have to beg them to spend time with you or treat you well. They will not see your needs as neediness or your boundaries as a test worth challenging. They’ll make time to see you and care about how you feel. And outside of basic communication, you won’t have to jump through hoops to figure out how they feel about you. They’ll remind you. They’ll just want to be with you because you’re you.

If after reading that you don’t feel like your friends or partner meet that basic standard, then it may be time to reevaluate. And when I say basic standard, I mean it. I used to think a text on my birthday was above and beyond, but a text on your birthday is basic stuff. This didn’t become more clear to me than when I saw a TikTok, featuring two friends playing the “He’s a 10, but…” game, where someone gives a hypothetical man a number based on his attractiveness followed by behavior that might dissuade or persuade you to date him. In this particular video, one friend said, “He’s a 5, but he’s loyal to you.” Her friend turned to her and said, “He’s still a 5. Loyalty is the bare minimum. Raise your standards.” This rocked me to my core. How many people in my life had I been giving raving reviews for doing the bare minimum?? Think about it with me—how many people in your life are giving you 5 energy, when you deserve a 10?

When I really thought about it, a lot of people in my life were not treating me the way I want to be treated. And when I thought about why I kept them in my life, it was out of pure fear of being disliked. Not because I was fearful of losing the so-called value they could add to my life, but because I wanted to be seen and liked by them. And why? What made these people so special? Simply put, because I had to beg for it and I had been conditioned to believe that real love had to be begged for. One of my favorite characters from the show, Industry said the other night, “Stop waiting for approval”. I decided to take his advice and change the way I viewed relationships.

Funny enough, I put this quote on my vision board back in January:

My 2022 resolution is to stop wondering if I’m good enough for other people and start wondering if they’re good enough for me.

It is only now that I see what that looks like. So, instead of chasing the same unfulfilling relationships, I’ve decided to nurture and cherish the genuine ones I have made, as well as open myself up to friendships and relationships in unexpected places, with the conviction that if I don’t feel loved as I am, I will try again elsewhere.

This post has left me feeling pretty vulnerable and exposed, but I thought it important to share because recognizing that I don’t have to beg and convince people to love me has really changed my life. It has been so freeing to know that I am enough. And while I wish I could go back in time and tell little Dom what I know now, I appreciate the journey I took to get here. Moving on from the past, I am most excited about my future and the nourishing relationships that I will attract with a new sense of self-worth.

So please, I beg of you. Really and truly understand that you are as Beyonce says 1 of 1. Nobody on this earth is better than you. You do not have to win people over. You do not have to beg anyone to meet your needs. You do not need people’s approval in order to be whole. You are a lovely, whole, fearless, and exciting person. Find people who recognize and honor that no strings attached. True love is freely given.

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If You Have to Beg, It's Not For You

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